The stakes are high, the egos are enormous and some careers end before they get off the ground. Every year, there’s a new sequel with new heroes and new villains.
But what would happen if the NFL actually became a movie?
I’m not talking about an NFL Films documentary. I’m talking about a big budget, fictional production with a famous director and a cast of big-name Hollywood actors. I’m talking about sex, drugs, money and larger-than-life football action scenes. I’m talking about NFL: The Movie.
Who would be this movie? I’ve got a few ideas. Check it out:
Aaron Rodgers might have felt a bit like a temp when he sat on the bench behind Brett Favre for three seasons, so it’s fitting that he would be played by Ryan “The Temp” from The Office (the actor’s name is B.J. Novak, for those who care). For Rodgers’ sake, let’s hope that he doesn’t follow in Ryan’s footsteps and develop a nasty coke habit now that he’s seen some success.
Tom Brady has graced the covers of Esquire and GQ and he’s hosted Saturday Night Live, so it only makes sense that he would be played by a major movie star like Matt Damon. This is the only case in our movie where the NFLer might actually be more attractive than the actor playing him.
Speaking of major movie stars, here’s another. Harrison Ford has the acting range and, more importantly, the grey beard needed to portray a warrior like Brett Favre. Only one question remains: is Ford willing to do full-frontal nudity?
It feels mean to say it, but there’s something about Peyton Manning’s face that is decidedly… inhuman. Herman Munster gets the call here, mostly because I think he’d be a more versatile actor than a horse (our second choice to play Manning). If there’s one thing we’ve all learned from Manning’s numerous commercials, it’s that he’s a genuinely good actor.
Who else could play the NFL’s douchiest, greasiest heartthrob than Planet Earth’s douchiest, greasiest heartthrob? Honestly, I’m not convinced that these two aren’t just the same guy. Has anyone seen them together in the same room?
Michael Vick won’t be an easy role to play, with the dog-murdering past and all, but I think Chris Rock has the chops to pull it off. He can bring some humor to the role, which will be essential if Vick is to seem like anything less than a terrible human being. Then again, maybe Vick is the villain in this movie…
This kid probably has a real name, but I don’t feel like looking it up. Now that Charlie Sheen has been fired and Two And A Half Men is no longer making new episodes, I imagine this kid would jump at just about any role. The question is: can he act like his knee is too sore to go back into the NFC Championship game? I’m kidding, Bears fans. Settle down.
Adrian Peterson caused a minor stir when he compared NFL players to slaves recently, so it’s fitting that he would be played in our movie by a guy who’s no stranger to playing a slave. LeVar Burton received accolades for his portrayal of Kunta Kinte in ABC’s award-winning miniseries Roots.
Chad Ochocinco is on the downside of his NFL career, but I felt like I had to include him in this movie because he’s had such a steady presence in media coverage of the NFL over the past decade. Besides, it’s not like Dave Chappelle is the hottest name in Hollywood right now. Both guys are misunderstood and, ultimately, just want to entertain others without all the hassles that accompany fame.
Claudio Sanchez is semi-famous as best (he’s the lead singer of the band Coheed and Cambria), but he gets to be in our movie because he’s one of very few human beings willing to live their lives with that much hair.
Did you think I was just doing NFL players? Oh no, my friend. I’m doing the entire NFL world. In our movie, the NFL commissioner is played by the (fictional) vice president of PlayStation. If you’ve seen any of Kevin Butler’s PlayStation commercials, I think you’ll agree that he is more than capable of handing out indiscriminate fines and suspensions, just like Goodell.
[Insert joke about getting the Cryptkeeper if the orc isn't available.]
[Insert sad feelings if you're a Raiders fan.]
Ron White is a Grammy-nominated stand up comedian and charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, for those who have good taste and are unfamiliar with his work. All we’d need to do is trim White’s hair back a bit, replace that cigar with a foot and we’d be good to go.
That’s all that I’ve got for now. If there are any casting choices that you think I should have included, post them in the comments below. If they don’t suck, I’ll add them.