Pigskin Buzz

Casting ‘NFL: The Movie’ – Which Hollywood Stars Should Play NFL Stars?

The NFL is a lot like a Hollywood movie franchise. There are bright lights, lots of cameras and a huge audience.

The stakes are high, the egos are enormous and some careers end before they get off the ground. Every year, there’s a new sequel with new heroes and new villains.

But what would happen if the NFL actually became a movie?

I’m not talking about an NFL Films documentary. I’m talking about a big budget, fictional production with a famous director and a cast of big-name Hollywood actors. I’m talking about sex, drugs, money and larger-than-life football action scenes. I’m talking about NFL: The Movie.

Who would be this movie? I’ve got a few ideas. Check it out:

Aaron Rodgers will be played by… Ryan From ‘The Office’


Aaron Rodgers might have felt a bit like a temp when he sat on the bench behind Brett Favre for three seasons, so it’s fitting that he would be played by Ryan “The Temp” from The Office (the actor’s name is B.J. Novak, for those who care). For Rodgers’ sake, let’s hope that he doesn’t follow in Ryan’s footsteps and develop a nasty coke habit now that he’s seen some success.

Tom Brady will be played by… Matt Damon


Tom Brady has graced the covers of Esquire and GQ and he’s hosted Saturday Night Live, so it only makes sense that he would be played by a major movie star like Matt Damon. This is the only case in our movie where the NFLer might actually be more attractive than the actor playing him.

Brett Favre will be played by… Harrison Ford


Speaking of major movie stars, here’s another. Harrison Ford has the acting range and, more importantly, the grey beard needed to portray a warrior like Brett Favre. Only one question remains: is Ford willing to do full-frontal nudity?

Drew Brees will be played by… Luke Wilson


One of the NFL’s most likable guys gets played by one of Hollywood’s most likable actors. This is almost too obvious.

Peyton Manning will be played by… Herman Munster


It feels mean to say it, but there’s something about Peyton Manning’s face that is decidedly… inhuman. Herman Munster gets the call here, mostly because I think he’d be a more versatile actor than a horse (our second choice to play Manning). If there’s one thing we’ve all learned from Manning’s numerous commercials, it’s that he’s a genuinely good actor.

Ben Roethlisberger will be played by… The Geico Caveman


The Geico Cavemen is a dead ringer for Roethlisberger, but what really makes this casting choice great is the fact that a caveman is also a perfect personality match for Big Ben.

Tony Romo will be played by… “The Situation”


Who else could play the NFL’s douchiest, greasiest heartthrob than Planet Earth’s douchiest, greasiest heartthrob? Honestly, I’m not convinced that these two aren’t just the same guy. Has anyone seen them together in the same room?

Michael Vick will be played by… Chris Rock


Michael Vick won’t be an easy role to play, with the dog-murdering past and all, but I think Chris Rock has the chops to pull it off. He can bring some humor to the role, which will be essential if Vick is to seem like anything less than a terrible human being. Then again, maybe Vick is the villain in this movie…

Jay Cutler will be played by… The Kid From ‘Two And A Half Men’


This kid probably has a real name, but I don’t feel like looking it up. Now that Charlie Sheen has been fired and Two And A Half Men is no longer making new episodes, I imagine this kid would jump at just about any role. The question is: can he act like his knee is too sore to go back into the NFC Championship game? I’m kidding, Bears fans. Settle down.

Eli Manning will be played by… Haley Joel Osment


Look at that–the kid from The Sixth Sense is all grown up (kind of). Luckily for him, he retained enough of his boyish charm to make a good Eli Manning.

Philip Rivers will be played by… SpongeBob SquarePants


I don’t really feel like I have to explain this one.

Adrian Peterson will be played by… LeVar Burton in ‘Roots’


Adrian Peterson caused a minor stir when he compared NFL players to slaves recently, so it’s fitting that he would be played in our movie by a guy who’s no stranger to playing a slave. LeVar Burton received accolades for his portrayal of Kunta Kinte in ABC’s award-winning miniseries Roots.

Chris Johnson will be played by… Lil Wayne


Let’s see… Dreadlocks? ✓ Tattoos? ✓ Grill? ✓ Really hard to understand when he talks? You better believe it’s a ✓.

Chad Ochocinco will be played by… Dave Chappelle


Chad Ochocinco is on the downside of his NFL career, but I felt like I had to include him in this movie because he’s had such a steady presence in media coverage of the NFL over the past decade. Besides, it’s not like Dave Chappelle is the hottest name in Hollywood right now. Both guys are misunderstood and, ultimately, just want to entertain others without all the hassles that accompany fame.

Troy Polamalu will be played by… Claudio Sanchez


Claudio Sanchez is semi-famous as best (he’s the lead singer of the band Coheed and Cambria), but he gets to be in our movie because he’s one of very few human beings willing to live their lives with that much hair.

Roger Goodell will be played by… Kevin Butler


Did you think I was just doing NFL players? Oh no, my friend. I’m doing the entire NFL world. In our movie, the NFL commissioner is played by the (fictional) vice president of PlayStation. If you’ve seen any of Kevin Butler’s PlayStation commercials, I think you’ll agree that he is more than capable of handing out indiscriminate fines and suspensions, just like Goodell.

Al Davis will be played by… An Orc From ‘Lord Of The Rings’


[Insert joke about which one is the orc.]

[Insert joke about getting the Cryptkeeper if the orc isn't available.]

[Insert sad feelings if you're a Raiders fan.]

Sean Payton will be played by… Frankie Muniz


It doesn’t get much easier than this.

Mike Tomlin will be played by… Omar Epps


I take that back. Apparently, it gets a lot easier.

Rex Ryan will be played by… Ron White


Ron White is a Grammy-nominated stand up comedian and charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, for those who have good taste and are unfamiliar with his work. All we’d need to do is trim White’s hair back a bit, replace that cigar with a foot and we’d be good to go.

Andy Reid will be played by… Mike Holmgren (and vice versa)


Would anyone even notice if these two doppelgangers played each other in our movie?

Ed Hochuli will be played by… Vince McMahon


Both guys rule with an iron fist and biceps that are way, way bigger than they have any right being. Seriously, grandpas… that’s not natural.

———-

That’s all that I’ve got for now. If there are any casting choices that you think I should have included, post them in the comments below. If they don’t suck, I’ll add them.

David Woods is the editor of PigskinBuzz.com. You can contact him at pigskinbuzz@gmail.com.

4 Comments

  1. Jackie

    May 6, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Hilarious! Rivers is the best… I always thought Geoff Stults would be a good Tom Brady.

  2. Johnny

    May 22, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Wow the Sixth Sense kid looks EXACTLY the same.

  3. John

    November 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Idris Elba as Brandon Jacobs

    • David Woods

      November 9, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      Hahaha yes!